"Im not into pointing fingers" -miss janet

Sad.

I had a crazy dream last night. In this dream I died and was brought back to life with a new heart. The new heart was weaker than my old heart but I was doing all these crazy exercises to make it strong again. Every step I took hurt and it was really hard for me to breathe, but I could tell it was getting better. It was insane! I woke up in a frenzy thinking I just had a heart transplant only to realize that it was just a dream. I really thought a lot about it today and came to a conclusion that this silly little dream really has a huge symbolic meaning. I feel like an old me that was really hard and resilient to letting people in and who was really self-centered and in control has died and is making way for a new me that is open to vulnerability. You cant be hard all the time, sometimes you need to open yourself up to people, thats the only way relationships can work if you are willing. Yeah, it may seem like you're "weak" at first, but it takes a little bit of hurt to make you stronger in the end. And once you get past that, then you can finally arrive and say that you've worked hard for something. Make sense? Maybe not, but thats just how I feel. Its crazy because I see it already, in my friendships, and even my relationships with boys. I am kind of learning to just sit bak and take things how they are. I understand the need for this change, but somedays I just dont want it. Days like today. Days like today I just want to scream into the universe "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! I'M HERE AND I'M WILLING!!!" In the end its all about learning and growing. Its really hard to accept this as you are going through it though. I feel like crying.

So fucking perfect. It makes me sick. There are questions that need to be asked.