"Look into my eyes and tell me what it is you see"

So...I was completely wrong about this summer. This is NOT the summer where I welcome back a seasonal romance, this is NOT the summer where I revisit stale lovers, this is NOT the summer where I fall madly back into a repetitive cycle of comforting destruction. Instead, this is the summer where I discover love. True love, undying love, unconditional love. And the funny thing about this love is that I'm not finding it in someone else, but instead this is the summer where I will fall deeply, madly, and passionately in love with MYSELF.

After evaluating the past four years of my life I have come to the conclusion that I have been lost and I have been living in a dark place. I have been looking for someone, something, anything to pull me up out of my hole consumed with darkness. But it was funny, and confusing because everytime I thought I had found someone to trust and to deliver me from my abyss I would only feel myself sinking deeper into this hole of mine. A whole that, without realizing it, I had dug myself into. Finally, I dont know what happened in my heart, my head, my body, I dont know what omnipotent force shocked me into a very real place, but I woke up one morning and things just clicked. I realized that this self-inflicted state of pre-burial was something that only i could save myself from. How poetic. It was my responsibility and my duty and i owed it to myself to ignore all of the false promises of salvation from these two-faced connousieurs of trickery and deceit and save myself! (Talk about an epiphany) But I shouldnt go so far as to blame those false saviours. In fact it was me who appointed them to this venerated position. I should instead thank them for everything they have done and not done. Because without them I wouldnt have realized that I have never truly been loved. And i have never truly loved. Cared about another, yes, been in deep like, or lust, or whatever else is close to love but not forreal love...yeah, all of that. But i dont think I possess a true understanding of what it is.

So as i find myself climbing slowly out of my self-appointed abyss and finding myself coming closer to daylight, I am proud that I have been able to start anew and proud that i am presently in a place where I can begin fostering the best relationship I've ever been in. The one with myself.

Summer Summer Summertime...

He always said if I put weave in my hair I'd see what would happen. Maybe this is that "what would happen" that he promised me.

The past year or so of my life has gone by fairly undocumented so let's start with a story that marks the beginning of the end.

We met, intentions were purely carnal and extremely unattached (me, coming from a laborious and exhausting 2 year long fiasco of a relationship or whatever you'd like to call it, this was only appropriate). It was the newness that attracted me. I loved it, I basked in it. It was new and it was amazing and I could care less about it. Then we evolved and he snowballed into my beautiful surprise. There were feelings exchanged, fun times shared, bodies explored, memories made. We were inseperable and we belonged to each other. That still moment in time where we were perfectly engulfed in the newness and amazingness of each other quickly dissolved. And we allowed the others to invade our secure fortress. There were first the girls and then I brought in the boys and we all lived together in a pink and green house with small windows and doors but we were so squished in the tiny pink and green house that some of us had to go. I suppose that was my cue to exit stage left and take my dirty boys with me. And then the newness stopped. And my perfect lover became perfectly over me and that, for some odd reason, was perfectly fine.

Of course I cried, quite possibly for the sake of crying, quite possibly for the added drama. It would be far too simple to let your old thing that was once new walk away without a tearful goodbye.

I shouldn't have slept over the first night, I shouldn't have answered the calls, I should have been more guarded, I shouldn't have shown my weakness, I shouldn't have allowed him to lie to me and tell me that he was going to take care of me. I shouldn't have slept over the first night, I shouldn't have cared. But I did, and I do love him and I won't stop tonight or tomorrow, maybe in a month or two or seven. I don't drink juice for a reason.

And then I found myself back in the arms of him. Allowing him to wipe every tear that has nothing to do with him and touch every part of a body that does not belong to him (never again). That's what I like to tell myself, but I often doubt the validity of that argument. I am his and he knows it. My seasonal lover greets me this time riding in on a ray of sunshine. Welcome back, it has been a cold winter and we welcome your summertime love.

"I against I"

I am shallow, I am scared, I am insecure, I am not original, I need to fit in by making desperate attempts to "stand out" (whatever that may mean), I need love, I hate being alone, I am not special, I am not "cool", I am not the center of anyone's universe aside from my own, I have acne, I am selfish, I don't like wearing shoes, I love wearing socks, I love swimming in the rain, I cannot sing, I am easily influenced, my ideas are a product of someone else's motivation, I love LA, I have been in love, I have never been loved, I go to sleep late and wake up even later, I hate strangers, I am materialistic, I hate fashion, I am a slave to all things "fashionable", My style is not "unique", "creative", or "individual", I am a clone, I love black eyeliner, I want lipo, I love my bad habits, I like kissing, I love touching, I curse, I curse a lot, I adore all things fake and fabulous, I don't understand when people claim to be "real", I think you're stupid, I hate being wrong, I talk a lot, I should listen more, I love attention, Pear jellybeans are my favorite, I read often, I don't write as much, I am not photogenic, I would give up sex for a Chloe bag, I am "real", I can't cook, I wish I was Japanese, I love the feeling of fresly done hair, I would die without carmex, I am dramatic, I think lying is fun, I am a good secret-keeper, I hate keeping secrets, I am silly, I love myself, I love you more, I have done this before, I told you I'm not original

and finally...i am inspired.

NO DRAMA IN 2007!

"Do not weep for me, I am stronger than a lioness, protecting my heart from cruel truths. Do not linger at the well of pity, I drink bitter tears for wine." -s.y.

"I am stronger than a lioness", really I am. And going into this brand new year of 2007 I feel and understand the value and strength that these words carry.

"And in LA every chick's an actress, Hollywood status..."

My time home has been fun. I guess it is true that you never realize what you've got until its gone. I never realized how much I loved Los Angeles until I left this beautiful city and became a resident of the dirty dirty District. Since being away I have come to realize how much LA has to offer. It is a massive fusion of various cultures and styles from around the world and it really has an identity and subculture all its own. It now makes sense to me when outsiders say that LA people are a little different, maybe even a little off. And i totally accept that. And I totally love that.

My name is Alicia. I am from Los Angeles. And I might be just a little off, a little crazy, or a little bit loco, but I am from LA, so that makes it alright.

An LA girl, especially one like me, is special and needs to be treated and loved accordingly. As far as finding someone to love me with all of my LAness and my specialness, my search has been amounting to ZERO! It is partially depressing and partially relieving. I feel like I want someone to love me, but I dont want to reciprocate the efforts. I feel like being loved, but i dont feel like loving. Maybe not that I dont feel like loving, but I am scared of loving. I really just dont want to get sucked into another situation where I am completely invested in someone who's ultimate actions don't reflect the same investment or EVEN the slightest hint that they once ever really cared. I dont think my heart could handle it. So, essentially, in the area of LOVE I am at a standstill. At this point I want to rid myself of all past/present "situations", which is definitely easier said than done, but worth a try nonetheless. There is really only "one thing" that I havent been able to let go of...Im trying, I really am :-
For now, "Keep it light, dont get too involved, dont get hurt" -Carrie Bradshaw

I find it funny that no matter where i am in life, I still have thoughts of you in the back of my mind that seem to pop up at all the wrong moments. I find some comfort in knowing that you were my summer boy.

"Growing Pains"

I find it sad and almost humiliating that I'm sitting here crying and fully aware of the fact that I still love you.

I say this also fully aware of the fact that I hate your stinking guts.

"Never tell a [man] you love him, or he'll break your heart" -s.y.

"A simple piece of pie"

"One more thing about hope, and then I'm done: You kill it, bury it, write the epitaph; you go on doing something not because you believe it will lead to anything good but simply because you are an animal following your biological path, and each day is the same, in the sense of not being any better; and then, one day, for no reason that you can think of, there is a twitch of life, a pulse, a sign, and the thing thgat you buried without a eulogy comes back and stares at you in the mirror" -John Burnham Schwartz

My hope for living and succeeding and loving and laughing is staring at me, un-dead, in the mirror.

Two Names You Go By:
1. ChaCha
2. Lolita

Two Things That Scare You:
1. Loud noises
2. Failure

Two Everyday Essentials:
1. Eyeliner
2. Carmex

Two Things You are Wearing Right Now:
1. Grey shorts with "HOWARD" written across the booty
2. Burgundy nail polish

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. For it to work
2. Love

Two Truths:
1. I am obsessed with list making
2. I had never tasted kool-aid before coming to HU

Two Things You Hate:
1. Being ignored
2. Sitting idle

Two Things that Physically Appeal to You:
1. On myself or on someone else??
2. On myself-my legs & ass On a man-strong calves

Two Favorite Hobbies:
1. Writing
2. Does being a socialite count?

Two Things You Want Really Badly:
1. To become Paris Hilton
2. Happiness within myself

Two Places You Want to Go on Vacation:
1. Thailand
2. Greece

Two Things You Want to do Before You Die:
1. Pose for Playboy
2. Meet my definition of success

Two Ways You are Stereotypically a Guy/Chick:
1. I wear makeup every day
2. I constantly gripe about my weight

Two Things that You Wouldn't Normally Admit:
1. I was once in love
2. I didn't cry in Bambi

Two People that You Would Like to See Take This Quiz:
1. Anyone who is bored
2. Someone that I love