"Baby girl got all the right weapery" -mos

I dont feel like updating at all. But I have some things that I need to write about in order to preserve my sanity at the very least.

I think I am allowing this to happen. My mother has always told me that theres no harm in asking for exactly what you want. The worst that can happen is that someone can tell you "no", you'll feel disappointed/sad/upset, etc. for a little while and then you'll get over it and move on to something else. I havent asked. I havent even come close to asking. And why not? Because I feel its not fair to put someone in that position. Its inconsiderate, demanding, over zealous, and maybe even rude, right? I think in all reality Im not being fair to myself. Am I selling myself short? Or is the possibility of "no" even more powerful and more frightening than the countless nights of spaztic shifts between extreme happiness and extreme sadness? I thought I could handle it, but given the fact that Im sitting in my room typing in my internet blog crying...maybe I cant. But of course I do it anyway, and my smile lets you know that everything is all right.

Funny how my friend knew exactly what I meant: "One of many. And hating it."

"I am so perfect, so divine, so etheral, so surreal, I cannot be comprehended except by my permission". I think I have given you, of all people, permission. I take it back.

"how do you recognize a life ruining slut when you see one?"

I hate her. Oficially. She will die.




Sex diaries. Very theraputic. Im loving it.




Goodnight.

"They say your attitude determines your latitude..."

SO, remember that one time when I was almost arrested on Saturday?? Yeah...that was pretty sexy. lol As a lesson to you all never consume open alcoholic beverages while in a moving vehicle...esp. in the District of Lame and esp. while being black. Besides that my weekend was rather uneventful. Went to work. Got some great lovin. Thats pretty much the cycle of my life lol which is a little bit unfortunate.

I was talking to Cartier aka Nicole Bichie and we were discussing our progession for the year and whether or not we have accomplished something significant. I feel like there is a lot more I could have done for my own betterment/advancement. However, I think we tend to overlook the small daily accomplishments that account for more than you'd realize. I did get a great job working at Barneys. As much as I complain about the hours and the people I still must admit that working at Barneys New York is a pretty big deal for the average 19 yr old. And for what (I think) I want to do with my future, It gives me a lot of exposure to things I need to be aware of. Also, I think i've become more responsible and more in tune with myself. I also got involved with Titan magazine, which is going to end up really working in my benefit...just to name a few. Of course there is still so much more room for growth and improvement and considering that this year is not quite over yet, I think I've done okay. Im doing what Im supposed to be doing and enjoying life. Fab.

As far as this other situation goes, I really annoy myself constantly with these supposed decisions that need to be made or whatever. I go back and forth everyday not knowing what I really want. Being a girl is so extra lame. I cant help but laugh at myself, especially when I get really dramatic. UGHHHHH I'm over my soul! lol

I was supposed to work out today on my day off...surpise, that shit def didnt happen. I need to stop eating before I become more of a fat ass. My life is bothering me right now, Im going back to sleep...the accidental diva is out.

"me and my girls we stay fly and we love to stay high"

And yet my Friday night ended with another futile attempt at having a life and me in bed by 2am...all by myself. At least I got to sleep late.

"Im bossy"

Being dramatic is so my thing. Im through.

"In 1982 your dad had 4 pennies"

Why settle for something less than what you ideally want and completely deserve?

I really dont know how to answer that. I guess my best excuse is that a lot of the time you cant get exactly what you want, and something is always better than nothing...sometimes...right?? Does that make sense??

Talked to him last night before bed and realized that I am making a big deal out of nothing, which i often tend to do. So as of now I am just lettin things be what they will be. No expectations, assumptions, or boundaries have been set, which makes it almost impossible to know what will happen both now and in the Fall. All that matters is that I've got my best buddy back and I am more than happy for that!

Yesterday ended with a freakin present from Jesus as I have come to discover that there is a DENNY'S in the district of lame! Why have I been in this city for almost 3 years and never known of this magical denny's?! I'm so happy to finally know it exists!! My life is almost complete now! yay!

This entry is getting more random by the second...
Had lunch with Brittne today and I was shocked with the worst realization ever. I was sitting in the middle of subway ready to cry and the only thing that stopped me was the fact that subway was packed and I didnt want to look like an idiot. What if nothing changes? What if things stay at a plaguing stand still? The millions of "what if's" just flowed from my brain and didnt stop. I really feel like Im being pushed to a point where I am seriously going to be over it ALL. Issues keep popping up, decisions keep needing to be made, I keep having to think about menial shit that, right now, seems as if my future depends upon it (its really all bullshit). It is really hard for me to give up my control, and now I see why. I feel like I am being pulled in million different directions. I really need some control. FG's dont do this shit.

I try hard to think a certain way, but my mind tends to wander...

On a less FG driven note and more to the tune of a Sassy Sassanova beat: "OMG" pretty much sums up the events of Tuesday evening :-D

"let's make love until sunrise..."

So, last night someone from my past came back into my present and quite possibly into my very near future. We talked for like 4 hours about everything! It was very crazy, very random, but very refreshing. I dont know what any of this means now. I guess I shouldnt jump to take it to mean anything just yet. We talked about how much we missed each other and me potentially coming to visit, but I have a feeling that if I do Pandora's box will open up and I'll be setting myself up for something that could not possibly turn out good. I think this is a time for my logical mind to take over because if I let my emotions guide me now I'll only be hurting in the end. Not to mention the other people that could get hurt too. But I really miss him...

"get to work"

I havent had a meaningful update in a while. Lets make this one count!

Alright, the past couple of weeks have been fun. Time with the ladies has been extensive and enjoyable, even though we are under 21 and are literally incapable of doing anything fun in this world until we get to that magical threshold...or get really great fakes, which we are in the process of doing. If we get them before this weeked, then I'm sure to have a couple of great stories for the masses lol

Today I was in a fabulous fashion show in honor of Andre Leon Talley and Stephen Burrows. If you dont know who these wonderful legends are then you better find out! It was really great and everyone was very fierce and I was sooo happy to be a part of it. Im a model now bitches, so get out of my way! jk lol

hmm...I feel like a whole lot more has been going on these past couple of weeks, but there's too many stories for me to tell. So, I guess from here on out I just need to update regularly! yay!

Boys...interesting. I guess you can just say it is what it is and leave it at that. I keep going back and forth between being confused and frustrated to being perfectly content. I guess it really comes down to what it is that I want. Too bad I dont really know lol. And then again, is it really up to me what happens? I dont think so. Maybe the fact that I've become a little too complacent is whats wrong. I need a little bit more control in my life. I also need to stop making a simple situation into something so complicated, confusing, and difficult. Its really not that serious. But as for one thing goes...lets just say mmm mmmm good ;-) With that said, I really don't have any complaints lol

Thats all for now. Oh, and I forgot to mention that Mark is a sexy bitch lol (i hope you enjoyed that!)

"My love, do you ever dream of...?"

Havent really had the time or energy to update recently. Not much has been going on though. There are still some decisions to be made. And I guess I've come to a few conclusions about some major issues in my life.