oh my stars

"Its like Im standing on my tippy-toes to touch a star, trying to catch joy in other's jar, and yes by far Im so much farther than they are. " -cee lo

Im standing here, arms outstretched, trying very hard to touch the sky, yet I am falling short and I know exactly why. My constellation is right here, with me.
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"Oh Jerusalem" by Lauryn Hill

Oh Jerusalem Oh Jerusalem, Jerusalem, Jerusalem,Jerusalem…
Realizing that there's no place else to go
and there's nobody I know who can help me

Text book solutions are so improbable 'cause everybody else is just as empty
Naked as the day that I was born, I try to hide behind education and philosophy
Hopeless explanation, tod escribe a situationI can't see because theworld's on top of me

Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from the body of this death
Freeing me from dust and the superficial trust of an enemy that seeks to take my breath
Failing to connect 'cause I'm morally defect by reason of the god inside my head, causing me to seeonly what pertains to me, believing I'm alive when I'm still dead L

Lmited to earth, unable to find out my worth'cause I can't see past my own vanity
If I'm not included then I just have to remove it from my mind becauseit has to be insanity
Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from the body of this death
Can I even factor that I've only been an actor in the staged interpretation of this day
Focused on the shadow with my back turned to the light, too intelligent to see it's me in the way
What a paradox, having God trapped in a box
All this time professing to be spiritual, naturally pretendingthat I'm actually defending God, thru my façade, only material

Oh Jerusalem, wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved from thy deception
How long shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee
OhJerusalem, keeping thee from perfection
Submit to truth, leave the deception of thy youth so we can walk in the council of authority
Forget the proof, a generation so aloof, only following the steps of the majority

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not to thine own understandinginall thy ways, acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths
Be not wise in thine own eyes or…You can't follow Him we judge and condemn, just as ignorant as them who religion tells us that we should ignore
Perpetrating,we're in covenant with Him, exposed by the very things that we adore
We grin and shake hands then lay ambush for the man who has a different point of view than us

Infuriated'cause he doesn't understand, bringing up those thingswe don't want to discuss
Wise to do evil, we don't know how to do good
Walking on in darkness, running from the light
Led to believe because we live in neighborhoods, telling us what's going on will be alright
Oh so repressed, so convinced that I was blessed when I played with my game of monopoly
Oh to suggest, that my life is still a mess would reveal the pride I'm hiding is what's stopping me

Oh Jerusalem,wash thine heart from wickedness that thou mayest be saved from thy deception
How long shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee,
Oh Jerusalem, keeping them from perfection

Abide in me, and I in you, as the branch cannot bear fruit of itself except in the vine
I am the vine, ye are the branches he that live in me, and I in Him the same bring forth much fruit for without me you can do nothing,
Oh JerusalemYour traditions have deceived you I've chosen you,you haven't chosen me that whatsoever you ask in my name he may give to you
But in vain they call my name,teaching doctrines just the same, justified amongst themselves
But God knoweth the heart
What man esteems as smart is an abomination to Emmanuel

Just repent, turn from selfish motivation so iniquity will not cause your demise
Make you a new heart and a new spirit for why will ye die?
Oh Jerusalem, please tell me why? I have no pleasure in the death of Him that dieth, says the Lord God wherefore turn yourselves and live
It's not the talkers, but the walkers in His word are the only ones the Father will forgive

Oh Jerusalem, wash thine heart fromfrom wickedness, that thou mayest be saved from thy deception
How long shall thy vain thoughts lodge within thee, Oh JerusalemProviding you no protection, Oh Jerusalem… Oh..ya.. oh.. Jerusalem oh.. ya.. oh…

Holiday Girl

It certainly has been a while. Since my last post a lot has gone on, and all of it, im thrilled to say, has been wonderful. My last week of freedom was spent in the great company of some of my favorite people. (Shoutouts to my fave friends! You all know who you are!) We definitely brought in this school year with a BANG! Highlights include UTC as a nightly event (1015 boys!), Yazzy Fresh's b-day, attempts to attend a gogo, many (sequential) nights of intoxication, Adam's house, and finally Yazzy's 80's themed birthday party! It was all so great and Im sad to see summer end, however, all good things must come to an end.

In reference to this last statement, I cant help but question if it is or isnt time for this good thing to end. It has been a summer of adventures, secrets, laughter, stories, good (i'm talkin REAL good) lovin, stimulating conversation, and all around fun. I was taught to appreciate the simple joys in life, amongst other things. Now that the school year has started, I kind of feel like this good summer thing is coming to an end and it makes me so sad. With the school year comes classes, conflicting schedules, meetings, distractions, other people/interests/friends and obligations, all of which take away from time that I would otherwise use to foster and salvage the remnants of my fabulous, wonderful, good summer thing. Was this just a "summer thing"? Am I just the "summer girl"? Is he just the "summer boy"? I suppose if it was i'd be okay with it. I'd be sad, but i'd be okay eventually. I dont know whether or not to make attempts to perpetuate this good, fabulous, wonderful, amazing summer thing (and potentially make it a fall, winter, spring, and all year round thing...a forever thing, if there were such a thing as forever) or if I should just let it fade into the narrowly distant past. Not only does this new year bring conflicting schedules but it also brings other people/interests. I dont think I can continue to walk with my head held high around this campus of Howard University knowing in the recesses of my mind that I am, essentially, one of many. I suppose I should have applied Carrie Bradshaw's advice more efficiently when she advised to, "Keep it light, don't get too involved, don't get hurt." Well, I'm invested now and I dont want to let go and it hurts. Maybe I should just hold on to my good, great, wonderful, fabulous, perfect, summer thing...at least until Im ready to let it go.

"Cuz you're so fly girl, you should come to my crib..."

Well folks, it certainly has been a little while and AS USUAL not a whole damn lot has been goin on. Summer school finished last week only to soon be greeted by another semester of classes and bullshit at good ol' Hell U...umm...I mean HowardU (only 13 more days of freedom!! ugh!).

This weekend I went to North Carolina with B...Kinston, North Carolina to be exact...also known as the middle of nowhere lol It was fun though and I def. enjoyed myself. It was definitely nice to just get away for a weekend and just sleep and chill and drink and be around cool people. Im glad I went. Also, when I was in the big K I acquired something that has come to be veryyyyy dear to me! On wednesday night me and B went for tattoo's and I got the most adorable little star on my left side a couple inches below my bra-line. I absolutely lurve it! It makes me happy :-D A couple people have asked what it means/signifies and I guess its a representation of my many dreams/wishes/hopes/desires. Kind of like when you wish upon a star. Its my own personal wishing star...i love it. Speaking of things i LOVE....

Things Chacha LOVES
1. my tattoo
2. heart shaped barettes
3. international night at Solie's
4. driving fast
5. free food
6. high heels
7. my family
8. my sidekick
9. Flavor of Love Season 2
10. big sunglasses

Things Chacha HATES
1. Childish ass people. IN FACT, I hate childish people so much, that I'm going to take a moment to talk about just how much they really get on my nerves. First, childish people are so damn silly. Its funny how when childish people have a problem with you, instead of bringing it to your attention and addressing the issue like adults (or real freaking humans for that matter!!) they choose to either NOT TELL YOU AT ALL or just plain IGNORE YOU and the freaking problem at hand. Now does that make any sense to you because it sure as hell makes no sense to me?!?! Also, I find it thoroughly amusing that childish people seem to materialize problems out of thin air that never existed before...or did these problem exist but they were too childish to let it be known that they had an issue with you??? HMMMMMM...I wonder. How is someone, for the sake of an example lets just say ME, supposed to know that anyone is upset with me over an issue that I had no idea existed?? Well, surprise, I WONT KNOW and If I dont know a problem exists then, SURPRISE, I cant do anything to make it better...SIMPLE MATHEMATICS. So maybe, my issue with childish people is this: If you are having a problem with me, instead of keeping it a freaking secret to yourself how about TELLING me so then I can fix it and we can get on with our lives?? If I dont know a problem exists then I cant do anything to change it.
END OF LIST.

"Ex-factor" -Lauryn Hill

"You cant force someone to see you in a way different from how they have chosen to see you and incorporate you into their lives. " This makes sense, but it doesnt make it any better.

I stole this from Yas...

Ten random things about me
1. I am a lover, not a fighter
2. I get nervous when my cell phone and/or sidekick are not within close reach
3. There are less than 5 people in this world who truly understand me
4. Spanish was my first language
5. I have three birthmarks down my right side shaped in a perfect line
6. I hate strangers
7. I could eat Mexican food everyday
8. I actually AM a reader, despite popular belief (and I read often!)
9. I dont eat cheese
10. I was a dance major in high school

Nine ways to win my heart
1. Make me laugh
2. Make me smile
3. Dont make me cry
4. Sweet surprises always help
5. Be ambitious
6. Be supportive
7. Always be honest
8. Let me know that you love me
9. Make me feel appreciated

Eight things I want to do before I die
1. Live in Panama
2. Pose for Playboy
3. Make a significant difference in someone's life
4. Write a book
5. Be a guest on the Oprah Winfrey show
6. Get married
7. Have children
8. Make a sex tape

Seven things that annoy me
1. When people state the obvious
2. Magical bitches (lol solie!)
3. When people make assumptions about me and what I do without ever bothering to ask
4. Disagreeable people
5. When girls wear shoes with no heel taps
6. When strangers talk to me
7. Your face...jk I just couldnt think of something else

Six things I believe in
1. God
2. fate
3. myself
4. magic
5. that all people are inherently good
6. miracles

Five things I am afraid of
1. Never falling in love (or truly loving someone OR truly being loved, for that matter...)
2. death
3. never being satisfied
4. being poor
5. failing

Four of my favorite things
1. Food (yup...a true fatty!)
2. my family
3. driving fast
4. going on adventures

Three things I do everyday
1. Take a shower
2. say my prayers
3. moisturize

Two things I want to do right now
1. Cry
2. Call or text him...but im stubborn so I wont...but im also stupid so I probably will...

One person I want to see right now
1. BamBam

"i just died"

Today marks the first night of what I anticipate will be a GREAT weekend. It is going to be GREAT because I've decided it will. And we all know then when I decide something...it happens lol

Last night I was really going through it. I went to my secret place and just cried and listened to Mos Def and lit myself up a black and I stayed there until I had no more tears left. I definitely needed that little break from the rest of the world. I still am rather non-conclusive about certain things, but at least I am now in a better mind set to deal and approach these issues with a more clear head. I am kind of starting to think that this is past the point of fun, and has crossed into a realm where I am being seriously fucked with. Has it? I think what Im looking for right now is someone to protect me. I have no idea what Im being protected from, but i think thats what Im missing. And I think thats why I want to go home so badly. I want to see familiar places and familiar faces and navigate smoothly down familiar roads and eat familiar food and be SAFE. LA is a place where I rule and no one can tell me anything because its MY city. Oh how I love Los Angeles.


"There are two types of guys, the guys that will hold your hand and the guys that will fuck you" -Samantha Jones, Sex and The City
how profound...

"honey molasses..."

Yesterday was extremely lazy and unproductive. I took my calc test (which i ended up scoring an 80 on! yes!!!) then I came back to my room and laid in bed...all.damn.day. Vicki came to visit for a lil bit and shared with me the beligerant outburst she had with Glossy lol That boy is the most glossiest ma'fucka known to man. Then I laid up in my bed some more and Solie (who I am now convinced is probably the freaking love of my existence) came to visit and we had much needed "us" time. I dont know what it is, but me and So are so much the same. Like, in every essential way we have the same exact mindset. Its kinda crazy. I missed my Solie. When i was finally done being a lazy ass we got up and got sumthin to eat and then we walked...and we talked...and everything felt so much better afterwards.

I know what I need to do, but am I going to do it yet? Probably not. I guess it really is going to take something of overwhelming proportions for me to finally have a reason. It is stupid and I cant believe this is me. I guess I will learn someday. What is it really going to take?

I ran into someone from the close past today in the lobby of the towers and for some reason when he hugged me I just wanted to confide in him everything that Im feeling right now and I wanted him to hug me and never let go. I wanted to cry and cry and cry and I wanted him to listen to me and let me know that everything is going to be ok. I wanted to go back to the beginning of summer when things were ok and when I wasnt so invested. I wanted to listen to Jill Scott and fall asleep on a tiny ass futon and not have my mind so consumed. I play the role of independent woman well, but i think it is starting to catch up with me. I am more needy than i'd like to admit, and it sucks having to realize this. I need other people to reassure me of what i'm unsure of...which, right now, is everything.