"Sometimes we're idle and sometimes we're wild..."

It is the time when my mind sits idle that scares me the most. Those are the times when my vision becomes blurred and a myriad of thoughts that I neglect to address during my state of full consciousness and awareness perform a hostile take-over on my brain and I am forced to confront my most repressed feelings and fears. I hate nothing more than my idle mind.

I wrote a letter and gave it to him on thursday. I meant it as a means of achieving closure. I told him exactly how I felt and how I feel presently. I dont intend for it to achieve anything in particular or anything at all, for that matter. I dont even expect a response, however I still felt it very necessary. Im still sad, and despite that I can still forgive him. I dont know why or how I can really find it in me to forgive him, then again, "Forgiveness is the final form of love" -Reinhold Niebhur.

Im exhausted and sad. "I was a daisy fresh girl and look what you've done to me" -Lolita

"Upgrade U"

Recently, a couple of very special people have entered my life and in the short time that I have been friends with them I have come to absolutely adore and appreciate them whole heartedly. With that said, I'd like to take a moment to thank not only my new friends, but my old friends who have been my my side since day one, for being there for me when I need them most. I thank them so much for allowing me to be me, for providing me with a reason to laugh and a reason to smile, for being there for me to talk to and cry to, and, especially, for the many weekends of hilarious drunken fun and madness (i.e. Friday nights at EXHALE lol). I really really love those guys. Things have been rough for me lately and despite the constant tears, they have remained more than understanding and that is eternally appreciated.

Lets just say Im upgrading in all aspects of life.

"Love is the L" -the unanimous shared sentiment of the crew lol

Two days have passed and I'm still living. A pleasant surprise. My heart didnt stop as I had anticipated, my breath did not escape me, my chest did not cave in, and I am still here, and I am alive, and though I am broken in many ways I feel as if I possess the strength, power, and desire to be fixed again. Though I know will be fixed, I dont think i'll ever be whole again. I think there will always be a tiny little hole in my heart that has his name scribbled across in in big letters "_______ WAS HERE!!!" I've always said he will forever hold a place in my heart, I just figured it would be in a much different capacity...

I think the worst part about this is that I saw it coming. Before the pen even first laid ink upon the page, I could already anticipate the ending. And yet I still allowed this story to be written. A beautiful story with a tragic ending. And now all I do is cry as my mind races through an ever playing reel of memories, shared laughs, conversations, inside jokes, kind gestures, and damn near perfect lovin....yes, that kind! This shit is hard...so hard. And I am broken...so, so broken. I hate this, and I hate him for doing this to me, and I hate me for doing this to myself, and I most of all hate the fact that I love him too much to ever really believe that I could even come close to hating him.

I am alive. And that is what matters most. I am beautiful, talented, intelligent, charming, and perfect. And I am alive. I am broken, but I am on my way to being fixed. Its all a matter of time.

"Its like settling for chex mix when you could have caviar" -R.Y.

"You must not know bout me"

I feel like someone, you to be exact, has just stabbed me directly in the heart. Is that what this is? Heartbreak at its best? Would I take it all back if I could? Not a chance. Was it worth it? Hell no. Two very different questions, with the same exact response. And so ends this saga. As of now my speech is lost, I only have words and tears. As a parting, this is the most I have to offer

"I want you to fall in love...somehow that will put me at ease/I want you to look into another woman's eyes...and let her know you could never lie/ I want you to hug her and kiss her and give her your heart, attention, and affection/ I want you to put it down on her, make love to her, propose to her, maybe even marry her/ i want you to show her the world...and buy her gifts like diamonds and pearls.../...but most importantly, I want her to give you a reason to love her back...because you would have given her the only thing you couldn't give me/...And somehow that will put me at ease"

I dont really know what else to say, or what else to do but continue on living my life. I guess I should thank you for the time that we shared. I love you and always will, but its going to be hard right now and I hope you understand that. I do not plan to allow this tragic circumstance to plague me any longer. Thank you.

"Make me beautiful"

And so it is that I have finally earned myself something that I have wanted for my past 2 years at the great Howard University. I am finally in the homecoming fashion show and yes, I am excited! I have a lot of work to before the show as far as perfecting my walk and my poses, but that can all be easily fixed. However, I have one roadblock standing directly in my path to perfection. Ever since I hit the lovely age of pubescence I have been plagued with the curse of...gasp... bad skin! Most days I dont think about it and its easy for me to cover up my discolorations and disgusting bumps with makeup, but it's times like this that I really want to cry. My bad skin is standing in the way of me and my goals. As a model, you simply cannot have bad skin! I feel like the lame twin from '8th and Ocean'. Gross. I can deal with my other flaws and conceal them accordingly, but my bad skin is front and center on a daily! How do you hide your face?! Bad skin is a terrible disease (for lack of a better work) that is hard to cure! I use so many cleansers and creams and pills and scrubs and washes and NOTHING works!! I drink water daily, I barely drink soda, and I dont really eat chocolate. What must I do to achieve good skin?!?! Im not asking for a flawless facade, I just want something decent that doesnt need to be covered with makeup just so I can feel comfortable walking out of the house. Is that a lot to ask???!!?!? Guess so. Oh well, I guess all I can do is work with what I've got and try my hardest to make it better :-/

"Its just one thing that got me trippin"

"When women are moved and lend help, when women, who are by nature calm and controlled, give encouragement and applause, when virtuous and knowledgeable women grace the endeavor with their sweet love, then it is invincible" -josé martí

Right now I feel like I have a lot on my mind and a lot on my heart and I just feel like writing until it all comes out. This wont make sense to anyone but myself...

I've been thinking lately and I have come to realize that I am a very special woman that can only love and be loved by a very special man. I require a strong man that knows himself and that is not insecure in his endeavors. I require a man that is also secure in himself, in his passion, in his person, and in his heart. I require a man that is a thinker and that is both dominating yet sensitive and recessive at times. I require a man that will make me laugh. I want him to be able to see me at my weakest and never be disenchanted by my struggles. I am a woman who requires a man that is willing to love unconditionally. I am a woman who is loyal and kind and giving. I am a woman who does not require much, though I desire a man who will allow me to spoil him. I am a woman with a huge heart and an open mind. I apreciate the small things in life, and I want a man who can appreciate the same. I am not pretty, I have a big ass and small boobs, I feel sexiest in cotton boy shorts and I dont like to wear a bra, I dont own slinky lingerie, and in all honestly I hate wearing makeup. I love wearing sweats, and I dont know how to cook. I like going out with my friends, I drink on the weekends, and sometimes I smoke. I am an overachiever where it counts, and I am anal. I laugh at my own jokes and have a cynical sense of humor. Stupid things amuse me, and I dont care what other people think about me. I dont eat cheese, I love sleeping in, I like eating out, and spending money comes easy to me. I am understanding, kind, generous, and if you are willing to love me I will love you to the ends of the earth. With all of my quirks and faults, I would like to find a special man to love and adore each and every one of them. I seek perfection that only the unperfect and a little twisted can achieve.

I think right now Im stuck in a place wedged between sad and happy. I feel like I should be happy because its the beginning of a new school year, I have an amazing group of friends, i am on the right track to success, my job is going well, and I am having fun. But sometimes my mind becomes clouded with negativity and I cant seem to do anything but cry.

A drug addict doesnt earn himself the right to a testament until after a significant amount of time has passed without using/desiring his drug of choice. I suppose for all intensive purpose a "significant" amount of time is anything over a month. You are my drug and up until this point I have been more than addicted. I suppose 4 days doesnt count as significant time enough to earn myself the right to a true testament?? Especially since the mental, physical, emotional desire for my drug is still there and seemingly relentless. This addiction supersedes the physical and has become increasingly mental/emotional. This battle will be a hard one, but it is for my own good for I have suffered for far too long. I suppose some progress is better than none.

The idea of friendship and loyalty is something that has rested heavy on my heart lately. I am a loyal person. If you are my friend I will be there for you always, no matter what. I would like to know that my friends are willing to do the same. It is a sad and hurtful thing to realize that a lot of people are simply not willing to make the sacrifice for the sake of friendship.

I am bringing the dramatics to an end. Curtains are closing and the stars of the show are taking a bow. I would like to thank the cast and crew members, you all have played an integral role in the success of this performance. I love you.