"When it hurts so bad, why's it feel so good?"

"You dont keep doing things that dont work, if you want to progress" -Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez

It is hard pretending that everything is alright. It is even harder wanting to believe that everything is alright and really genuinely wanting it to be that way. "What you want might make you cry, what you need might pass you by, if you dont catch it..." This is all about choices.

Friday night was fun as hell, it ended with a little bit of drama, but other than that it was so random and drunk and hilarious. I really love my friends and how much fun we can have. Its like we are in our own world where nothing and no one else matters. I love living like that. We are just so unrestricted and free and it just feels so damn good. And this is the only time we'll ever be able to live like this. I'll be sad when its all over.

Im feeling really thoughtful right now. Im neglecting some decision making and I've been neglecting it for a while now. I feel a discussion needs to take place with some key people in my life. Something is about to happen, and I dont know what it is.

so, "not complicated" -ricky biscayne

"She walks alone among many, twisting in her own defeat, they don't appreciate her, never understanding that I see the truth of what she can be, beautiful, the woman that hides behind the sad eyes, walking alone among the many, simple love is all she needs, respect and justice, why can't she just let me fall into her grace and there forever fly high, high..."

Do you love (insert name of choice here)? That's all.

I must say, this past weekend was pretty damn great...I'm still laughing at all of the random drunken fun we had. And this weekend will be even better and even drunker and I will be HAPPY. I've decided.

"does that make me crazy?"

Something is about to happen. And I dont know exactly what it is. But I can feel that something is about to happen and I dont think its going to be good for me.

This week has been so-so. Not a whole lot going on, as usual. I got to school, i go to work, I drink my life away, and i get some good lovin. And after that I repeat the cycle all over again.

Tonight, I cant help but think "am i crazy"? I think i am. so soo crazy.

"lets get up and lets get ill"

I've decided to dedicate my life to krumping...I have nothing better to do so why not?

Vicki T needs to prepare her footwork to be CRUSHEDDD by my krumptastical clown dancing. We are having a battle soon and I am more that prepared to win it. lol

Also, I went to a strip club this weekend and it was very interesting. I just know that if I were to be a stripper I'd shut that shit down cuz half those girls were fat and the other half looked a mess lol possible change in profession??

Today is a beautiful day and Im going to enjoy it. I've decided.

"I only think of you on two occasions"

Seems as if the universe is trying to send me a message. Unfortunately it is a message that I'm not ready to hear yet, or rather, a message that I dont want to hear. Sometimes it makes me really sad and othertimes Im ok. And ALL of the time I wonder if Im assuming too much or not assuming enough. I already know where this is going. Something to think about before bed tonight...

I dont want the summer to end. I dont want the sunshine to end.

Really what I want more than anything right now is to go back to LA where my biggest problem is deciding what to order for lunch from CPK. In LA I can galavant around town with my best boy Ashley-Smith (aww I miss you Chrissy!) and drink green tea ice blendeds from coffe bean and go to EL COYOTE and spend all my money in BH. I'd wear my huge Chanel sunglasses and my 5 inch platforms just to go to the mailbox and I'd be wonderful. I'd blast Mos as I smash down LaCienega soaking up the Cali sun. I'd be the star of my own fucking movie. I wouldn't have to answer my phone and I would ignore text messages and I would wait for alll of my problems to evaporate into thin air. And its funny, because I really feel like they would. And I feel like I'd be happy and content with the lameness that would be my fabulously monotonous LA existence.

Ironic, yeah?

Maybe if I ignore this stupid thing, it will cease to exist...maybe

"Im the bitch ya'll love to hate" -kelis

Seems as if I have earned myself a bit of a following. Hope you're enjoying this.

1. I curse too much
2. I drink (often)
3. I sometimes ignore phone calls from my friends
4. I talk shit about other people
5. I can be very selfish
6. I am dramatic
7. I am wasteful
8. I think Im better than some people
9. I judge people constantly
10. I am jealous

1. I am caring
2. I am beautiful
3. I pray for the happiness of others daily
4. I am intelligent
5. I am helpful
6. I let people know they are appreciated
7. I am dynamic
8. I am open-minded
9. I would do anything to make life easier and better for the people that are closest to my heart
10. I am passionate

It has been about a week since my last update. Not a whole lot has happened. Last weeked ended up being super fun tho. I dont remember what happened on Friday, but whatever it was Im sure involved me and Laron being slightly intoxicated...and by slightly I mean very lol Saturday was real random and real cool. Me, Lil ron, brandon, and calvin went to Adams Morgan and ended up having a good ass drunken time at Common Share. Sunday was Lil ron's "2 decade" as we came to call it lol We went to Bus Boys and Poets with a whole group of people and it ended up bein really nice and really chill. Last weekend made me really happy. Just happy enough to get me through this week with a smile on my face and in my heart :-)

On Monday night an interesting conversation was had with someone very important to me. There are very few people who know the real me, but he is one of them. And while I allow myself to be (almost) totally vulnerable and (almost) totally available to him against all better judgement, I dont feel threatened and I am, in some ways, comforted. It was a good moment and it allowed for a few important things to change in my mind. It might take a lot for other people to understand why I do what I do. My best advice to those who dont "get me" (or my actions, motives, etc.) is to stop trying. Unless I grant you permission, you will forever be in the dark. For now, I just want to take two seconds to say that I really really appreciate you and our frienship and all of our fun and crazy advertures. I appreciate and value immensely all that you have taught me about the world, other people, and myself, because it really is a lot more than you realize. You are forever going to be someone special in my heart. I will always always be there for you, no matter what. And though (I dont think?) you read this, i just hope that you know.

With that said, I want to let YOU know that we are not different at all. In fact, we are probably alike in many more ways than you'd (or even I'd) know. I don't hate you, and I'm not sure if you hate me or not, but if you do you shouldn't. In fact, I'd like to be your friend. I know you read this, and I hope you know this is about you. Maybe its a scorpio thing...

"She is literally the polaroid of perfection"

Tonight I had the most refreshing dose of my fave roommate. I came home only to be greeted by Moniqua's loveliness. She was feeling sad and I was feeling hungry so we took a walk to McD's in the rain...after a few shots of course (it was a rough day for us both). Then I began to feel sad so we walked to the gas station by the towers to get some blacks because for some reason I thought that might calm me down. Then, as we smoked our blacks and had some great conversation, we walked to 7-11 to waste money on useless things like beef jerkey and dr.pepper flavored slushies. It was just what I needed. When we were in 7-11 I got a call from a new friend of mine and it made me really happy. I wont comment on that now ;-)

Then we got back to our ghetto palace and thats when the tears started pouring. i cried for what seemed like forever. I started to become short of breath and finally after about 3 hours of crying on and off I stopped.

This cannot happen again.

"Stay fluid even in staccato"

My life makes me laugh. And thats all im prepared to say right now. lol

P.s. The theory has been proven. Dudes love crazy girls. WHY? Because crazy girls are willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to prove their loyalty and love. Im loyal, but if you get on my nerves you're gone...Im not crazy enought for all that bullshit.

Im outro 3000.